May 10, 2013

LEFT-HANDEDNESS - THE VERY REAL DANGERS OF BEING 'NOT RIGHT'

BEING A LEFTY-LOOSEY IN A RIGHTY-TIGHTY WORLD

  While less than TEN PER CENT of the population is left-handed - a FULL 100% of the right-handed population are relieved that - IT'S NOT THEM!

 

 Thesaurus.com Defines Left-Handedness Thusly:  "USING THE LEFT HAND, OR - CLUMSY"...

Synonyms Include:  "DUBIOUS, GAUCHE, MALADROIT, BACKHANDED, INSINCERE, SOUTHPAW - and SINISTER"...

There is Only One Antonym:  "RIGHT-HANDED"..

  • LEFT-HANDEDNESS SHORTENS LIFE

There's no gentle way to put it! As a matter of fact 'SINISTRALISTS' die an average of SEVEN to NINE YEARS EARLIER than their right-handed compadres!
One excellent reason for this is that CACK-HANDERS top the mortality list - in ALL FIVE accident categories: AUTO, SPORTS, WORK, HOME, and TOOLS!
They are up to TWICE as likely to die in an accident - and far more likely to LOSE DIGITS and/or LIMBS to a power-tool!

  • LEFTIES ARE MORE LIKELY TO GO INSANE!

All joking aside - it's a FACT! While lefties account for only 10% of the population - they make up TWENTY PERCENT of all SCHIZOPHRENICS!
MOST LIKELY TO GO INSANE
Yep - just a small problemo with the electrical wiring of the BRAIN! Whereas a right-hander's brain 'FIRES' rhythmically - ONE HEMISPHERE AT A TIME - the lefty's brain suffers from 'HEMISPHERIC CONFUSION' - caused by BOTH hemispheres firing AT THE SAME TIME!

Apparently - this drives us NUTS!

It is the reason that us WRONG-HANDED folks also suffer a greater percentage of BED WETTING, DYSLEXIA, ADHD, PTSD, DEPRESSION, EPILEPSY, SLEEPING DISORDERS - and ALLERGIES...
It is also the reason that we SCARE MORE EASILY! Apparently the 'POOP-YOUR-PANTS' department is located in the right brain - ya know - the one we lefties use MOST!
We are also more likely to be HOMOSEXUAL or have GENDER IDENTITY ISSUES...

Ain't being different KOOL?

  • USES AND ABUSES OF THE 'CACK' HAND!

QUESTION: Why is the 'PARTNER IN CRIME' always known as the 'RIGHT-HAND MAN'?
Because the guy on the left CAN'T BE TRUSTED!
BA-DA-BANG!

Togas used to be made with only ONE POCKET - on the left - leaving the right hand to deal with life's IMPORTANT matters!
In many parts of Africa, India, Europe, and the Far East - there is only ONE appropriate action to be taken with the left hand, and that is to - WIPE YOUR ASS - PERIOD!
Even WAVING HELLO or offering a GIFT with the left hand is considered a personal INSULT!
And - OMG - don't even THINK about passing food with that most disrespectful of hands - it may well BE REFUSED - and you shall be looked upon with shock and scorn!

Make that - MORE SCORN! lol..

  • INSURANCE COMPANIES WANT TO KNOW!

Coming soon to an Insurance Company near you?
More and more are adding a BACK-HANDED new question to their application forms:  ARE YOU RIGHT-HANDED OR LEFT?
Be prepared that In the very near future - lefties will pay a higher premium for ACCIDENT insurance, HEALTH insurance - and LIFE INSURANCE!

This is to better balance 'RISK-MANAGEMENT', and - let's face it - LEFTIES ARE A HUGE RISK!

  • LEFTIES GET LESS!

Yes - Southpaws even suffer FINANCIALLY! If you are 'WRONG'-handed with a college degree, you will earn - on average - TEN PERCENT LESS than your 'RIGHT' handed associates!
Guessin' those righties need more money - TO FUND THEIR LONGER LIVES??

Now - if that ain't a left-handed SLAP IN THE FACE from a right-handed world - nothing is!

  • BONUS SINISTRALIST TRIVIA

Lefties are more creative, but do not have higher IQ's - as previously believed..
They are better at geometry and spatial analysis - they think OUTSIDE-OF-THE-BOX naturally..
Six out of the last 12 Presidents of the United States have been left-handed - including the last three - OBAMA, BUSH, and CLINTON!
Lefties tend to be bad with direction and have a bad habit of turning left - A LOT!
Lefties have trouble rolling their RRRRRRRRRRRRRR's...
(How many of you lefties just attempted to rrrrrrroll it? lol..)

  • CONCLUSION 

    Unless one aspires to be President, WE - the WRONG-HANDED OF THE WORLD - might as well have been born with a CAPITAL 'L' STAMPED IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR FOREHEADS!


So now ya know - It's a JUNGLE out there - and NO - IT'S NOT ALL RIGHT!

© 2013 I'mKar'n23...Leslie Silverman All Rights Reserved

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