|IF I COULD KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT...|
If I could keep my mouth shut, smile pretty - bite my tongue,
On that dumb-ass social ladder - I might just climb a rung!
Be tactful and polite dear - sit up straight with shoulders back,
Control that naughty urge to pun - lay off sarcastic cracks!
Don't pick your teeth in public, the same goes for the nose,
It's not about ones comfort - it's how well one strikes a pose!
Laugh discreetly is the rule - don't snort, guffaw, or squeal!
Always act the lady - well-mannered and genteel.
My very best behavior - would annoy Miss Emily Post,
A truth I need not ponder - as one can't offend a ghost!
It's not that I'm oblivious - to these high falootin' ways,
Yet whenever I attempt them - my eyes begin to glaze!
I came up on the wrong side - left with nothing far too young,
Missed the part that taught me that it's best to hold my tongue!
Filters are for cigarettes - only windows need a screen!
Little rough around the edges? Shan't be lunching with the Queen!
Passing gas is frowned upon - just soldier through that cramp,
I've naught achieved such self-control - this lady is a tramp!
I CANNOT keep my mouth shut, smile pretty - bite my tongue,
On that dumb-ass social ladder - I just FELL another rung!